whoa.

I had a really nice encounter with A this past weekend.  It was unexpected and really awesome all rolled into one.

We talked, we actually talked….about anything and everything  for about 2 hours.  For the first time I didn’t feel awkward talking to him, or care that he was nervous.  One of my friends said that maybe its because I have my guard up and I’m trying not to care or get too caught up in him.  But the honest truth is….I do care and I was totally caught up in him.  I was literally doing an Irish Jig in my head every time he would grab my hand throughout our conversation.  Or when he would lean in to kiss me on the cheek.  Or when we were both staring at each other having a different conversation with our eyes then what we were saying with our mouths.  (Wow…that was really cheesy of me to say that).  It felt so nice to be wanted and to have physical proof throughout our conversation.

So towards the end of our random encounter/talk-athon of course things started to get more heated.  He stopped and said that he felt bad for our last “little encounter” because he was drunk and so was I….and he knows that the whole reason things ended previously (okay he didn’t say “ended previously” but he hinted towards it….) is because I felt like he was taking advantage of me and only hooking up with me when we had been drinking.  So, to be a “respectable person” he figured he should be a “good boy” and go home.  Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciated the whole nice guy act….but it just made me what him that much more.  Our encounter ended with much more heated make-out sesh and a promise that he would come and visit me.  I was completely elated with this behavior….I mean in the past our encounters are like this:

“Oh hey A”
“Oh hey Andrea”
make-out
make-out
make-out
make-out

So I decided to start looking for my car keys while he was walking towards his car.  I was happy, and felt okay that we didn’t hook up.  I mean it would of been nice…but I felt that the whole fact that we didn’t do it, says a lot.  Maybe?  I don’t know?….Back to looking for keys….I didn’t see him come to my driver side door, he then opened it up and grabbed me for more of a make out session.  At this point, I really wanted to continue and go further but I refused to partake in such actives in the Eagle’s Hall parking lot in Sullivan, MO.  I’m a lot of things, I mean I show up to 45 year olds birthday parties uninvited and drink their beer….but I’m classy….I don’t do it in the Eagle’s parking lot .  So, I gave him two options, either we continue somewhere else or we go our separate ways.  We both decided to go home, it was late, we both had been drinking, and there were plenty of cops out.

As I was getting on the hwy, A calls.  Asking me what I was doing.  Ha…”ummmm you just saw me 2 seconds ago?  I’m going home…..”
A: Oh
Me: Okay…you have one exit to make up your mind
A: No no no…you should go home.  Drive safe, night.
Me: night.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.  So, after all the heartache and frustration and sadness and not feeling good enough……I’m still really crazy about him.  I just hope he isn’t playing games with me.  I don’t like games.  I like real.  I don’t want to scare him away….because I feel like last time I was overly aggressive towards him which caused him to pull back even more.  But god damnit….I like you….why is it so difficult to give me what I deserve?

I’m trying to be a mature adult and think rationally about everything.  But it is so hard when your heart overpowers your head.  I guess only time will tell.

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