Yesterday & Tomorrow

I have a chance to tell you everything.  I have a chance to actually talk to you face to face instead of dealing with frustrating texting back and forth.  I have a chance to clear the air and make this right.

I just don’t know where to begin.

Here it is Saturday night and I told myself I would work on what I am going to say to you tomorrow.  I just don’t know what to say.  Say the same stuff I have been telling you for a the past year and half?  Or simply just say I’m sorry it didn’t work out, I want no hard feelings because I will have to deal with seeing you for all the upcoming festivities for the god damn wedding of the year?

Here it is Saturday night….and I am in my pajamas watching Shrek 2.  Lame.
Here it is Saturday night…and I am contemplating on working of wedding invitations for the wedding of the year. Double lame.
Here it is Saturday night…and I can’t think of what I am going to say to you tomorrow.  Lame & Frustrating.

Yesterday night was so enjoyable.  It was one of those nights that was unexpected and really fun all rolled into one.  I need more nights like that.  I went to a winery with my good friend B to meet some of his old collage friends.  I didn’t even notice the hot humid Missouri summer weather last night.  The scenery, wine, people, were all so beautiful.  Last night while sitting amongst all of this I looked over at the setting sun and thanked god for giving me this night.  We then went to one of the couple’s house for a bon fire and more alcoholic fun.  Turns out we needed to stay the night…also turns out we were in Wentzville.  Ha…this morning, I was a bit confused on how we made it to Wentzville from Washington, MO…but whatever.  I love nights like that.  I love my friend, B!  Not in a romantic way, not ever.  But in a “hey, I am really glad we have been friends for so long and it is so awesome that we can have a good time with each other without any of the bs”.  Even though my mother and his mother/sisters want us to date and think we are dating.  Today was a bit awkward though.  After getting home and showering and preparing for B’s sister’s wedding shower (I swear to god, if I have to go to one more obligatory wedding shin dig I am going to scream….stop getting married people….stop growing up so fast…slow down…and be more like me) I make it to the wedding shower about 15 minutes late…it was quite difficult to look my best with about 3 hours of sleep and drinking the night before…but I do what I have to do.  Anyway, back to awkwardness….B’s mom was standing at the entrance and hugged me and said, “Oh did you have fun last night?  B said it was great time!”  Me, “Yeah, it was fun”…and then she just kind of stood there waiting for more and looking at me like I had something to tell her…..and then awkwardly I said, “man, the food smells good in here” and walked away.  THEN the most awkward point of my entire day:  The wedding shower was FINALLY over (sidenote, wedding showers are lame…I’m sorry I don’t want to give up a good portion of my day to watch you open presents.  I know this sounds really selfish and bitchy of me…but they are so boring.  Where are the drinks?  Where is the music?  Where is fun?).  Okay sorry…back to the awkward story:  So the wedding shower was over and I went up to B’s sister and said the obligatory “it was nice to see you, good luck with everything, you look so beautiful blah, blah, blah” AND THEN she goes, “Yeah…thanks for coming” and for some reason the room was quite at this point…”I can’t wait for yours and B’s wedding shower!”.  AWKWARD.  And then EVERYBODY laughs and I just kind of shake my head and turn red with embarrassment and walk out the door.  Ummmm can’t a single girl and a single guy be really awesome friends?!  Come on it is 2010!  AND we have been best buds ever since we were little.  Don’t get me wrong, I love B, I think he is a wonderful catch for any girl…he is a pilot….what girl would turn that awesomeness down?!  But we are FRIENDS really awesome friends at that.

Okay back to what I’m going to say to A tomorrow during our “talk”.  I’m a bit nervous.  I don’t know why.  I guess I just don’t want us to go around in circles.  Or make matters worse.  I just want to be happy and I want him to be happy.  I don’t want to force him into anything.  I just want him to know…that I like him a lot.  And, I hate coming back to this “now what” point just as much as he does. The last go round I can honestly say I wasn’t ready for a boyfriend and I wasn’t sure if I wanted one, still upsetting and sad, but I wasn’t ready.  But now, I feel like after a year and a half if we are back to this point where we are talking and doing relationship things then we owe it to ourselves to try it out.  I don’t want to scare you away.  I don’t want to give you an ultimatum with you either commit  to me or don’t.  And I know it seems like that, because I get frustrated when we have an awesome time with each other one week, I think “great, things are really working out, I really am liking him” and then the next week I end up getting hurt because you never called.  I apologize for how impatient I am.  I know that is frustrating and it only makes matters worse and by no means helps my case.   I don’t want you to think that I am going to be overly controlling and demand all of your time with me.  I’m not that kind of person nor do I want you to do that to me.  All I want is respect.  All I want is for you to want me.

Or

I could say something like…I really like you, but I know you aren’t ready for a relationship.  And that is okay I respect your decision.  I just want us to be on good terms and not upset with one another because we are going to be forced to be around each other a lot due to our friend’s upcoming wedding.

Or

Maybe a combo of the two?  Damn it…I wish I could write this all out and take notes with me tomorrow.  I always get so flustered and just say anything without thinking about it first…damn my loud mouth Italian family traits!

I just want closure…not that I want to see an end to our relationship….but closure with this feeling of not being able to tell him how I feel and making him understand.  Wish me luck world.

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