Same.

September 21, 2010

“Baby don’tcha let him blow smoke up your dress
Don’t let him break your heart
Don’tcha you start thinking that your life is a mess
You’ve done fine so far…”

-Hillbenders

I love these lyrics…they were sung to me….they are meant for me.

I hate how every time I go home I can expect the same experience.  Hang out with the same people, say the same things over and over again, feel the same way I always do after leaving a social gathering.  I hate the same.  For a while the “same” was great and comforting…but now I am just frustrated with the “same”.

I can honestly say I do feel like my life is a mess.  I feel like I am spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere with work/love/social life.  I hate it.  I am trying to change it…but no progress.  Also, I am not very patient…but when will it be my turn?

I hated seeing him this past Saturday.  I avoided his stares…because if I didn’t I think I would either start crying or yelling.  I made it pretty obvious to him that I was not going to play his “staring across the room” game anymore.  Been there.  Done that.  By playing the game I only set myself up.  He left the party early…I would like to think that he left because he was so upset that I wasn’t playing his game…but in all honesty the party was pretty lamo.  So badly I’ve wanted him to step up to the plate.  But I just can’t allow myself to get close to him anymore.  It always ends up like this.  I get so hurt…and I am completely devastated in the kind of person that I have fallen for.

“If that’s what it takes
I can’t take it anymore…”

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Confrontation.

August 15, 2010

Recently, I have realized how much I hate confrontation.  I just hate dealing with it…I have always known this…but now if just seems really apparent.  But, here’s the thing…I have a big mouth, so sometimes, it just happens.  Yesterday was the mack daddy of confrontation.  I can’t help but not to think and re-think about my actions and others yesterday.

Incident #1:
Log on to fb to check in  before I started to get ready for the evening.  I noticed this ignorant status update from one of the girls I went to high school with.  Backstory: I really could never stand this girl…but whatever.  She married someone from our high school who is now in the marines.  They have two boys.  And it is, the whole “God Bless Our Troops” and “Military Families are just better” propaganda forced down everyone’s’ throats they talk to.  I support our troops…but just because I don’t agree with your viewpoints doesn’t mean I don’t support our troops or am thankful for what they deal with.  I should have not played into the whole deal…because after all you can’t deal with stupid.  That being said, here is the whole enchilada!:

Ashley This country is slowly getting worse and worse and it truly sickens me…

23 hours ago · ·

  • Amy Wood Joslin likes this.

    • Sara Me too! All I can think about is what is going to happen next? 😦

      23 hours ago ·

    • Ashley I know…When I got online this morning, I noticed the headline being “Obama supports mosque at ground zero” and after I read it, I just wanted to go slap him. How degrading to the innocent lives lost. Seems like the only people he DOESN”T care about pissing off are his own.

      23 hours ago · · 2 peopleLoading…

    • Sara I know, right? I can’t believe how insensitive he was by using the first amendment as his crutch. I’m fine with them wanting to build a mosque, but please, just do it elsewhere.

      23 hours ago ·

    • Heather And its such a touchy subject but I’m glad I didn’t vote for him… and I hope those who did are starting to realize just how fake he is! It’s a shame… we can’t even be patriotic anymore without it offending our own president! ABSURD!

      23 hours ago ·

    • Andrea Your ignorance appalls me. This is America-a nation where the ability of people of different faiths to coexist peacefully and with mutual respect for one another is what our country is founded on. And our commitment to religious freedom must be unshakable. The principle that people of all faiths are welcome in this country and that they will not be treated differently by their government is essential to who we are as a nation.

      23 hours ago · ·

    • Ashley

      Andrea – I am saying we ban all Muslims from living in this country nor practicing their religion here. I am not ignorant to the fact that as Americans, we preach the right to practice whatever religion one chooses. However, I DO have a p…roblem with practicing this religion in a spot where innocent American lives were brutally taken by terrorist’s who based their idea’s from it. There are over 100 mosques in New York already…why is it ABSOLUTELY neccessary to build another one in that very location that is still so hurtful and raw to people, especially families of those who died? No, I am not ignorant, merely respectful of the dead and willing to stand up for our own rather than worry about offending everyone else.See More
      23 hours ago · · 5 peopleLoading…

    • Ashley Sorry, I meant to say at the top, “I am NOT saying”…typo

      23 hours ago · · 1 perso
  • And then her husband (who I also went to high school with) gets on and writes this:
  • If everyone could please direct your attention over here. I am now standing on my soap box. Pull up a seat this might take a while. You stupid liberal fuck heads kill me. You have no problem telling me how you feel about a situation. I stand there and listen. I don’t agree with you, but I stand there and listen. I (as in conservative) say how I feel and you think that you instantly have to jump up and run your stupid mouth. Do you know any Muslims? Have you ever even talked to one? And by “you” I mean Andrea. Well I personally have talked to one or two. Actually lets do this. I guarantee I have killed more than you have talked to. I will give you credit. Most Muslims are great people. I might even go as far as saying they are more kind and good hearted than most people you talk to on a daily basis. I do have a problem with them building a mosque where so many Americans died. I guess you also think it is ok for those shitheads from Kansas to protest military funerals. Now I am curious, do you have any friends or family that were ever killed by say a drunk driver? If so, I think that I might go build a memorial to that person next to their grave. That is about it for now. Pardon any grammatical errors

Then of course the status was bombarded with bs like, “My husbands a marine…and they just don’t know do they Ashley”.  I could go on and on about all the ridiculous comments.  Eventually her husband deleted his comment in fear of being court marshalled.  Ha.  Anyway, I didn’t want to cause a big explosion.  But few things…1. Don’t post shit like that on facebook 2. How can you seriously be so ignorant?!  3.  How can you expect to tell one group of people not to practice their religion?  This is America….this is what our forefathers fought so hard to break away from, AM I RIGHT?!!!!  Don’t be so hypocritical.  URGGGHHHHHHH!

Incident #2

So after getting ready while I still fuming from the fb encounter I head out to a party back home.  The night before I got to see A.  And I can honestly say, it was the best night I have ever had with him.  The evening was kind of a impromptu get together with my best friend and his best friend who will be getting married soon.  I was already over at the house working on wedding invitation designs with my best friend.  Then A and J pull up from the cow sale.  The four of us talked and laughed to 2 in the morning.  It was kind of weird bc all four of us have never been around each other like that before.  But it was a great time.  We were playing this game “kill-fuck-or marry” where you pick three people and then you have to decide what you would do.  Ha, I know it sounds a bit immature, but it brought out some great laughs.  Anyway, the entire time, A was holding my hand or touching my back, or looking at me.  It was just nice.  And then I ending the evening by a long make out session followed to a more heated encounter with A in the truck bed of J’s truck, ha.  So, that night A asked if I would be a the party the following night.  I told him yes, and he told me “good..bc I want to see you again”.

Night of the party (same day as the fb drama)-
Things were going good…I got to see some people I haven’t seen in a while.  But not really getting to talk to A.  So lets fast forward to him leaving.  He told the small group that was left that he was leaving as he was staring at me.  So, of course I follow him out to his truck.  I know it was obvious that I was following him out to his truck to the others, but I didn’t care.  I was kind of drunk and went up and said:
“Why are you leaving?”
A: Im tired
Me: Well you should stay for a little bit longer
A: No, I’m tired
Me: No…stay
I hate how whiny I am around him when I have been drinking!
A: Umm you just spilled your beer all down my back
Me: Oh my goodness…I am so sorry…I am kind of drunk
A: That is okay
We make out a bit
Me: Please stay…I thought we were going to get to finish what we started last night?
A: Where?
Me: I don’t know…stay
A: Well…I don’t think J was too happy about returning my hat to me this morning….I don’t think he likes what is going on (A left his hat on J truck, ha)
Me: Well…I don’t care what J thinks.  I don’t have to listen to him…D does.
A: You are right…I just feel bad doing this right here.  Plus the other couple will be coming out soon.  I hate how we always sneak out at the end of the night to do this…I just don’t want people to get the wrong idea.
Me: Please stay and be with me for a little bit.  I didn’t get to see you tonight.  And I hate to break it to you…but this has been going on for so long that everyone knows.
A: (kind of just stood there for a minute realizing that everyone does know) I’m tired.  But I want to come up and see you this week.  And take you out.  I don’t want to take advantage of you…it just doesn’t seem right.
-Now, if I was sober this would of been really sweet to me.  But I was drunk, and I was not getting my way, it just pissed me off.
Me (in a bitchy tone):  Ha, really?!  When?  I doubt it because whenever you say that I was hear some bull shit excuse on why you can’t come up.  And you didn’t have a problem last night .
This statement pissed him off, which it should
It was just a bunch of back and forth of me pleading with him to stay and be with me….and him saying he was tired and didn’t want to take advantage of me…”because if he didn’t like me he would just bang the shit out of me right then and there,….is that what I wanted?”
That statement pissed me off for some reason…because as he was saying that he slipped his hand up my dress.  Uggghhhh.
So our night ended with me being upset for him not staying and him being upset because “I always do this to him”.

So frustrating.  I want to text him or call him.  But it will be the same convo…”hey sorry about last night…I just really like you…and really want more out of this”

So confusing.  How can Friday night be so awesome.  And Saturday be the complete opposite?

Yesterday & Tomorrow

July 18, 2010

I have a chance to tell you everything.  I have a chance to actually talk to you face to face instead of dealing with frustrating texting back and forth.  I have a chance to clear the air and make this right.

I just don’t know where to begin.

Here it is Saturday night and I told myself I would work on what I am going to say to you tomorrow.  I just don’t know what to say.  Say the same stuff I have been telling you for a the past year and half?  Or simply just say I’m sorry it didn’t work out, I want no hard feelings because I will have to deal with seeing you for all the upcoming festivities for the god damn wedding of the year?

Here it is Saturday night….and I am in my pajamas watching Shrek 2.  Lame.
Here it is Saturday night…and I am contemplating on working of wedding invitations for the wedding of the year. Double lame.
Here it is Saturday night…and I can’t think of what I am going to say to you tomorrow.  Lame & Frustrating.

Yesterday night was so enjoyable.  It was one of those nights that was unexpected and really fun all rolled into one.  I need more nights like that.  I went to a winery with my good friend B to meet some of his old collage friends.  I didn’t even notice the hot humid Missouri summer weather last night.  The scenery, wine, people, were all so beautiful.  Last night while sitting amongst all of this I looked over at the setting sun and thanked god for giving me this night.  We then went to one of the couple’s house for a bon fire and more alcoholic fun.  Turns out we needed to stay the night…also turns out we were in Wentzville.  Ha…this morning, I was a bit confused on how we made it to Wentzville from Washington, MO…but whatever.  I love nights like that.  I love my friend, B!  Not in a romantic way, not ever.  But in a “hey, I am really glad we have been friends for so long and it is so awesome that we can have a good time with each other without any of the bs”.  Even though my mother and his mother/sisters want us to date and think we are dating.  Today was a bit awkward though.  After getting home and showering and preparing for B’s sister’s wedding shower (I swear to god, if I have to go to one more obligatory wedding shin dig I am going to scream….stop getting married people….stop growing up so fast…slow down…and be more like me) I make it to the wedding shower about 15 minutes late…it was quite difficult to look my best with about 3 hours of sleep and drinking the night before…but I do what I have to do.  Anyway, back to awkwardness….B’s mom was standing at the entrance and hugged me and said, “Oh did you have fun last night?  B said it was great time!”  Me, “Yeah, it was fun”…and then she just kind of stood there waiting for more and looking at me like I had something to tell her…..and then awkwardly I said, “man, the food smells good in here” and walked away.  THEN the most awkward point of my entire day:  The wedding shower was FINALLY over (sidenote, wedding showers are lame…I’m sorry I don’t want to give up a good portion of my day to watch you open presents.  I know this sounds really selfish and bitchy of me…but they are so boring.  Where are the drinks?  Where is the music?  Where is fun?).  Okay sorry…back to the awkward story:  So the wedding shower was over and I went up to B’s sister and said the obligatory “it was nice to see you, good luck with everything, you look so beautiful blah, blah, blah” AND THEN she goes, “Yeah…thanks for coming” and for some reason the room was quite at this point…”I can’t wait for yours and B’s wedding shower!”.  AWKWARD.  And then EVERYBODY laughs and I just kind of shake my head and turn red with embarrassment and walk out the door.  Ummmm can’t a single girl and a single guy be really awesome friends?!  Come on it is 2010!  AND we have been best buds ever since we were little.  Don’t get me wrong, I love B, I think he is a wonderful catch for any girl…he is a pilot….what girl would turn that awesomeness down?!  But we are FRIENDS really awesome friends at that.

Okay back to what I’m going to say to A tomorrow during our “talk”.  I’m a bit nervous.  I don’t know why.  I guess I just don’t want us to go around in circles.  Or make matters worse.  I just want to be happy and I want him to be happy.  I don’t want to force him into anything.  I just want him to know…that I like him a lot.  And, I hate coming back to this “now what” point just as much as he does. The last go round I can honestly say I wasn’t ready for a boyfriend and I wasn’t sure if I wanted one, still upsetting and sad, but I wasn’t ready.  But now, I feel like after a year and a half if we are back to this point where we are talking and doing relationship things then we owe it to ourselves to try it out.  I don’t want to scare you away.  I don’t want to give you an ultimatum with you either commit  to me or don’t.  And I know it seems like that, because I get frustrated when we have an awesome time with each other one week, I think “great, things are really working out, I really am liking him” and then the next week I end up getting hurt because you never called.  I apologize for how impatient I am.  I know that is frustrating and it only makes matters worse and by no means helps my case.   I don’t want you to think that I am going to be overly controlling and demand all of your time with me.  I’m not that kind of person nor do I want you to do that to me.  All I want is respect.  All I want is for you to want me.

Or

I could say something like…I really like you, but I know you aren’t ready for a relationship.  And that is okay I respect your decision.  I just want us to be on good terms and not upset with one another because we are going to be forced to be around each other a lot due to our friend’s upcoming wedding.

Or

Maybe a combo of the two?  Damn it…I wish I could write this all out and take notes with me tomorrow.  I always get so flustered and just say anything without thinking about it first…damn my loud mouth Italian family traits!

I just want closure…not that I want to see an end to our relationship….but closure with this feeling of not being able to tell him how I feel and making him understand.  Wish me luck world.

29

July 9, 2010

29

$29 was the cost of my concert ticket last night.

Amazing.  Best $29 I have spent in a long time.  I love love love live music.  I really love love love hot guys that can play music.  So sexy.  It always amazes me how before I know the guy plays music he is semi-cute…but as soon as I found out he has talent, I’m like, “Whoa…..I want him!”

For example, last night before the show I was walking back to my seat from the bathroom.  As I was coming down the stairs I could feel someone looking at me, so of course I glanced up and made awkward eye contact with a cute plaid shirt and baseball hat wearing guy.  He kind of smiled at me and I did likewise.  The moment was fast, but in my head it was definitely slowed down.  I found my seat next to my parents, sidenote, I have the best parents in the world.  Whose parents are cool enough that you actually want to hang out with them?  AND whose parents will buy you unlimited alcohol?  Mine!  Anyway, the show starts with a local act….and come to find out…..cute guy from the stairs is on stage!  Instant attraction.  I can’t explain how hott it was to see him play the harmonica while playing drums.   My mother, who is ready for me to get married and start popping out grandchildren for her, went over to the band after they were finished with her friend to talk/get autographs.  Knowing how my mother would be around someone who is semi-my age and semi-cute I decided I didn’t want to feel the awkward embarrassment as she explain to him, “So this is my daughter….she is single.”  I decided to kick with pops and other family friends.  When my mom came back she handed me a flyer and said, “he said you should come see them play next week”.  Ha.  Now, I don’t know if I believe this or not….because my mother is so ready for me to have a someone in my life….but it was definitely an ego booster.

The concert was so good!  It was so good that it sent some guy behind us into a seizure!  HA.  Okay, that was kind of mean….but seriously it was awesome.  Seizure guy was fine, my dad helped him….kind of scary though.  I did receive a text from A around 9ish….saying Sat “might be a possibility…” but he doesn’t know because he “has a ton of hay to get through this weekend”.  UGgggghhhh…I didn’t even respond.  #1, did want to loose my awesome concert feeling, #2, he didn’t deserve an immediate text response after the agony he put me through and #3, when in the hell will I trump farm activities?!!!!!!
Operation: Find someone who has musical talent…and who is hot = someone I must have.

I texted A this morning, telling him I was open Saturday night, but really need to know so I can make plans or not to come home.  His response:  “You don’t have to come back here….if I got done with hay early enough on sat I could come up there or something….but I honestly don’t know yet.”  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..I just don’t want to get burned this weekend like I have before with waiting on him to finish farm stuff.  I haven’t responded yet, because I don’t know what to say.  I mean I want to say, “Well….if you don’t honestly know then neither do I….make up your mind….I’m sure you won’t be baling hay during the evening….stop making me wait for you.”  Maybe I was freaking out for no reason yesterday?  I mean he is hella busy doing farm stuff.  And I understand that shit has to get done, you have a deadline/and you have to rely on the weather “make hay while the sun is shining”…..but honestly, it takes two freaking seconds to send a text? no?!  I’m trying not to be psycho bitch, but come on.

Okay….I need to get back to work, and stop worrying about farm boys and band boys!

7 hours

July 8, 2010

7 hours

7 hours ago I texted you….telling you I would like to see you again this weekend.

I hate how desperate I have been feeling these past 7 hours.  Why can’t you just respond?  Why can’t you just tell me yes or no.  Why can’t you tell me if I should just move on or not?  If I am just wasting my time….waiting on you.

I don’t want to be upset with you.  I don’t want you to upset me.  But please, for the love of god, respond to me when I initiate a call/text/e-mail.

I hate this anxiety/nervousness/desperation/starring at the phone feeling.  Make it stop!

whoa.

June 22, 2010

I had a really nice encounter with A this past weekend.  It was unexpected and really awesome all rolled into one.

We talked, we actually talked….about anything and everything  for about 2 hours.  For the first time I didn’t feel awkward talking to him, or care that he was nervous.  One of my friends said that maybe its because I have my guard up and I’m trying not to care or get too caught up in him.  But the honest truth is….I do care and I was totally caught up in him.  I was literally doing an Irish Jig in my head every time he would grab my hand throughout our conversation.  Or when he would lean in to kiss me on the cheek.  Or when we were both staring at each other having a different conversation with our eyes then what we were saying with our mouths.  (Wow…that was really cheesy of me to say that).  It felt so nice to be wanted and to have physical proof throughout our conversation.

So towards the end of our random encounter/talk-athon of course things started to get more heated.  He stopped and said that he felt bad for our last “little encounter” because he was drunk and so was I….and he knows that the whole reason things ended previously (okay he didn’t say “ended previously” but he hinted towards it….) is because I felt like he was taking advantage of me and only hooking up with me when we had been drinking.  So, to be a “respectable person” he figured he should be a “good boy” and go home.  Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciated the whole nice guy act….but it just made me what him that much more.  Our encounter ended with much more heated make-out sesh and a promise that he would come and visit me.  I was completely elated with this behavior….I mean in the past our encounters are like this:

“Oh hey A”
“Oh hey Andrea”
make-out
make-out
make-out
make-out

So I decided to start looking for my car keys while he was walking towards his car.  I was happy, and felt okay that we didn’t hook up.  I mean it would of been nice…but I felt that the whole fact that we didn’t do it, says a lot.  Maybe?  I don’t know?….Back to looking for keys….I didn’t see him come to my driver side door, he then opened it up and grabbed me for more of a make out session.  At this point, I really wanted to continue and go further but I refused to partake in such actives in the Eagle’s Hall parking lot in Sullivan, MO.  I’m a lot of things, I mean I show up to 45 year olds birthday parties uninvited and drink their beer….but I’m classy….I don’t do it in the Eagle’s parking lot ;).  So, I gave him two options, either we continue somewhere else or we go our separate ways.  We both decided to go home, it was late, we both had been drinking, and there were plenty of cops out.

As I was getting on the hwy, A calls.  Asking me what I was doing.  Ha…”ummmm you just saw me 2 seconds ago?  I’m going home…..”
A: Oh
Me: Okay…you have one exit to make up your mind
A: No no no…you should go home.  Drive safe, night.
Me: night.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.  So, after all the heartache and frustration and sadness and not feeling good enough……I’m still really crazy about him.  I just hope he isn’t playing games with me.  I don’t like games.  I like real.  I don’t want to scare him away….because I feel like last time I was overly aggressive towards him which caused him to pull back even more.  But god damnit….I like you….why is it so difficult to give me what I deserve?

I’m trying to be a mature adult and think rationally about everything.  But it is so hard when your heart overpowers your head.  I guess only time will tell.

guilty

May 28, 2010

I feel guilty.

I applied for a new job tonight.  I have become increasingly exhausted, not fulfilled, not happy for the amount of pay I receive at my job.  I feel so so guilty for applying for a new job on my work computer.  I am b.a.r.e.l.y. making it.  I need/have to make more money.  I feel so under-appreciated at my job……I feel like I run the whole god damn company on top of being every one’s mommy while working 40+ hours and then weekend events.  I need a change.  A change for the better.

I feel guilty.

I feel guilty for sleeping with you again.  I told myself no so many times before in the past.  Why do I want you so badly?  Why did I throw all of my common sense out of the window the minute you came onto me.  Now, here I am back at square one….wondering if I should text you….wondering if you have changed…..wondering if you will finally see what is standing right in front of you willing and waiting to take you back.  I keep telling myself no, that I can’t text you…that I have to hold onto a little bit of dignity….bc if I text you and you don’t give me the answer I want to hear or deserve to hear, I think I seriously might loose it.  Its not fair.

I feel guilty.

I feel guilty that I am bitching about not making enough money when there are so many out there that would kill to be in my shoes, I have a job.  I feel guilty that I am still bitching and moaning about the same asshole that doesn’t deserve me.

I feel guilty.

Addiction

April 8, 2010

So, I hate to admit this…..but…..I think I have an addiction problem.

Why can’t I stop obsessing over him?  Why am I falling into the same trap I have before?  Why am I texting him?  Why am I actually contemplating going to his damn turkey pot this Friday?

God, this is so unhealthy.

It didn’t dawn on me until today, that I am addicted to him.  I mean I guess I am…what else would you call this psychotic behavior?  Pathetic?  I’m like a drug addict willing to drop everything to get my next fix of him.  And I know deep down it won’t end up good….because it never does.  I will be so hurt and distraught for the next couple of months and then I cave, and text him, or talk to him.  Such a vicious cycle….I feel absolutely helpless that I can’t break it.

Maybe it is a good thing he hasn’t responded to my slightly overly sexual text message.  I mean….by god, he probably thinks I am a crazy bitch.  One minute I am a complete bitch to him and the next I am willing to drop whatever I am doing to be with him.

What is wrong with me?  Why this obsession with him?

I think for so long that I have known that he isn’t good for me, my friends are constantly telling me to move on, and the whole fact that he treats me like he is a player should be enough for me to just walk away.  But, maybe deep down I want to prove everyone wrong, including myself.  Why is that?  Why did my parents raise such an overachiever?  I won’t stop until I get what I want….when will I learn just to walk away?  Why am continually hurting myself?

I hate how pathetic I sound with all of the awful blogs about him.  But this is the only time I have to collect my thoughts about this situation….I mean I think about it non-stop….but I guess it helps to see it out on paper….or text.

I feel like I have exhausted all of my resource talking about it.  I know it is annoying, I know I pretty much say the same thing over and over….but you don’t have to be such a bitch about it.  You are supposed to my by friend….and just by responding “okay” to when I pour my heart and soul out doesn’t help me.  It just pisses me off and makes me want this to work even that much more.  I feel sorry for you….that you have never known heart-ache, that you will never experience this….because I know when I find love, I will appreciate it with every ounce of my being.  Lucky for you, the first guy you dated you are now marrying and he has never broken your heart….you will live your entire life without knowing what it feel like to have your heart completely stomped into a million pieces.  And for that I feel sorry for you, you cold heart-less bitch.

So I ran into him last night.

I figured there would be a good chance of seeing him….I mean there is really only one bar everyone hangs out at back home.  For awhile he wasn’t there….and I thought “Pshh….probably working on his damn derby cars”  but then I was happy….a sense of relief came over me because I knew I wouldn’t have to be faced with seeing him.  I’m still really hurt, I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to act fake anymore and smile and act like everything is okay.  But in the back of my mind I went psycho crazy bitch and kept thinking, “Well….if he isn’t here then where is he?  On a date with another girl? Stop thinking like that why do you care?  He broke your heart.”

I then heard one of the guys say, “Adam is on his way….he is sick but since we pestered him enough he said he would stop in and get us all sick”.

Great.

I was too busy talking to some girlfriends and didn’t even notice he was there…until I felt like someone was watching me and eyeing me down, turns out it was him.  I barely even glanced over his direction.  All night I felt like I was trying to avoid his stares my way.  I hated that….but I honestly don’t know what else to do.  It reminded me of the scene from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” when the main character is having trouble getting hard in front of the girl who broke his heat and he finally says, “Maybe my dick won’t get hard because you broke my heart into a million tiny little  pieces”.  That’s how I felt…well except I didn’t have to worry about getting hard, ha.  I just couldn’t bring myself to play the “lets awkwardly stare across the room at each other” game.  You hurt  me….and I can’t put up with your backwardness anymore of not wanting to talk to me when I’m in the same room with you.

At one point when I was closing out my tab, I walked over to the bar, and I saw at of the corner of my eye that he broke away from his group to move closer to the bar.  I turned and he was looking straight at me…waiting for me to approach him.  I could feel him get excited/nervous as I was walking closer to him.  It just pissed me off…so many times in the past he has been such a chicken shit that he will never approach me…but puts himself in situations that I can’t avoid him, so I talk to him.  Well last night, I just kept walking.  P.S.  I looked hot last night.  Me and my cowgirl boots with a short cute sun dress kept on’a walking.

The entire night I didn’t even talk to him.  The entire night I avoided his stares.  The entire night I could feel him wanting me.  Well guess what asshole?!  I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights I have had thinking about us, what I could do differently, how to convince you that we should be together….. and you just blew me off.  I have to distance myself from you, because I am so afraid of being hurt again by you.  I know that avoiding you and not even talking to you is hurtful…..but this is the only way I know how to forget you and move on.

All day today I keep tossing and turning thinking about my actions last night….part of me thinks, “Good….now he knows what it feels like to be hurt……and…..Good, I want him to know that I’m pissed at him”  But then the sick twisted side of me thinks, “Oh no…I just shot him down, now he will never have enough courage to smooth things over with me”

There is a good chance I will run into him tonight.  I’m still debating if I should try to talk to him for a bit or just continue on with the process of basically ignoring him.  It hurts so much.  But….

Cause you had your turn and now you gonna learn
What it really feels like to miss me.

Yes, it happened again….I, AW, once again got stood up last night by A fucking H.

There are not enough words to explain how much you have hurt me.  I don’t understand you.  I am done trying to.  I can’t force you to be with me.

I thought I would take a chance, thought I would put myself out there once more to show to you that I’m still interested that I want to make things work.  I don’t understand you.  You follow me out of the bar last week, struggled to keep the conversation going with me  to prolong an awkward goodbye, text me within 2 minutes after we say goodbye telling me how nice it was to see and talk to me…..but I should have seen it coming…..that night just like all of the others you didn’t “make a move” nor “close the deal”.

Me, being me….wanting you, thought I would try my luck once more by inviting you over to my home.  Thinking that since we haven’t talked in 3 months and the signs and “aggressiveness” you showed last week would = a guarantee evening spent together.

It was all a go Sunday evening…EVEN @ 6pm on Monday night you were still coming over.

7:38pm I receive your text, “I just walked in the house, don’t think I’ll make it 2night. Sorry”

YOU MOTHER FUCKER.

A text message?  Really?  A fucking text message?!  No phone call?  To say something like, “I’m sorry I can’t come over tonight because I’m too tired from working on my damn derby cars all damn day….but I still would love to see you…..what night can I make it up to you?”

How I hate this feeling of embarrassment.  Embarrassed that after I swore to myself and all of my friends that I was done with you…..that I took a chance, and this is how I get paid back.  You haven’t changed.  You are not interested in me, and that hurts.  It hurts that I have never ever in my whole entire life tried as hard as I have with you to be with someone.  Embarrassed, because I thought you actually did like me.

I didn’t text you back because I was too upset.  You don’t deserve my time nor me anymore.  It hurts that even today, it hasn’t sunk in with you to apologize for how you handle the situation.  Maybe you think you did nothing wrong and there is nothing to contact me about……but I refuse to let myself believe that you are just naive, backwards, and a stupid boy anymore……I deserve so much more.

This was the unfortunate slap in the face I needed.  Lesson learned the hard way.  My how reality can be a real bitch.